I changed myself up this week.

My auntie’s family is going on a Florida trip, I will have a lot of free time to myself. I know it is a bit weird to pass on the opportunity considering I have no money and she would pay anyway. However, I just really love being alone. Peace. Quiet. Absence of distraction. I sensed the best chance to care more about my body.

I bought a bunch of stuff. Bell peppers, onions, broccoli, cabbage, raspberries, blackberries, kiwis, lentils, and flaxseeds. I tried to increase my fiber intake and squeeze more antioxidants in my diet. I’m a lazy cook so I just mixed some rice and lentils in the rice cooker while did a stir fry with whatever I bought chopped up in a pan of black bean sauce. I have always struggled with sugar, so these days completely changed me.

Maybe it’s placebo but being alone, I noticed almost all my acnes faded away. My skin was brighter, I sweated and secreted less oil, I feel my face become rounder and more feminine. I think the food did the trick, but I felt a sense of euphoria, as if I just got a surge of estrogen in my body.

I also experienced so much emotions.

I felt so happy and energized in the morning. I would sing, dance, smile, and become motivated to drive around for some fun time at the mall. But I always ended up crying before bed, not for any particular reason. I just think about some relationships I made, overthinking about every single tiny detail I did in these conversations. I was worried about how my body will change as well. How I would look like? How long would it take to “pass” as a woman? What if I get outed? Would I be kicked out of the house walking alone with no safety net around? I don’t know, but I do know that I don’t want to be in this body, and I’m ready to seek the “me” that I love.

Oh by the way, I started my voice training!

But it was tougher than I thought. I searched online aimlessly and found TransVoiceLessons. The videos from her were so educational, although I was put off by the length of it, I was determined to watch the whole thing. I started on the video for beginner, while it could be the beginner’s desire for quick achievement, I noticed the effect right away. It was rather understandably subtle, however, since throughout childhood I was trying my best to mimic a girl’s voice (that could have been my first signal). But I learned that it was obviously not enough, combined with the fact that I know nothing about music and voice, I only focused on pitch, and was surprised to find out about terms like vocal resonance and vocal mass. Overall, I was pretty happy, I can’t wait to hear my voice until the next year.

“When I came back from the dead
The first thing they said
Was, “You’ve never looked better”
Every compliment
Went rushing to my head
As my heart kept weakening

This body used to be my home, now it’s just an homage
A souvenir I gave to everyone I love
The walls of my heart look like museum corridors
The love that I gave was art in my form
But I’m scared if I learn to be happy
I’ll forget how to write songs.”

-Erin LeCount, Marble Arch. 2025