Spring semester ended.

I lost my 4.0 GPA. I’m kinda upset but I can’t be mad about it when I didn’t study for a whole 4 months. Texas Government wasn’t supposed to be so difficult, and Anatomy & Physiology II gave me hell in the lab.

But again, I did so many things. I was on a research team, I got to fly to Baltimore. The atmosphere, food, and connections I made was amazing, I still crave that mac n cheese lobster. Visiting D.C was so cool as well, seeing all these places that I only saw in medias. Since I barely traveled my whole life, I guess it would take a long time for me to stop marveling at all the trips I’ll go to.

I was the runner-up in my campus’ Math competition! I knew I had it in me, and $100 was not so shabby. If I didn’t have a regional conference conflict I could have gotten top 5 college-wide, but oh well there will be a next time! I mean I have around 1 year before transferring to a university! But the regional conference was so good for my ego. I carried that roll call, even though I’m a bit bitter at my second place poster, at least I can be proud I did that all by myself.

Though, on the way home, I can’t stop crying. The closer to my term ending, the more it hits close to home how bad I am at emotional attachment.

I remember when I left right before they took a picture of my high school graduation celebration. Everyone was crying and hugging each other, I chose to leave that space.

“Why are you so apathetic?” My mom said as I walked towards the motorcyccle.

“Apathetic”. That word sticked to me. That’s right, since when did I become so apathetic?

As I sat behind her on the way home, I recollected my memories. I didn’t have a big social circle, and I was the smart, well-mannered kid who never went outside. I liked to be in my own world, surrounded by pillows, colored markers, and quiet. It has always been better that way, to not care, and to be in a bubble that only I, and nobody else, could come in. Life was simple. At east I felt like it was.

I still don’t have a big social circle, but working with a capable group of people who shared so many things I agree with, who made my feelings feel seen. I earned achievements, I accomplished so much. It felt real, it felt important, it felt cherishable.

I guess that’s why I felt nothing then. Because I was hesitant to step out of my bubble, and I thought that I wasn’t worthy. To truly appreciate someone is rare, and to me, the thought of moving on felt like an existential crisis.

But it’s okay. Maybe they’re right, maybe I need pain to feel healed. I do think that it triggered a strange sense of bravery in myself that I wished I had it sooner.

It happened. I dialed that number and signed up for gender-affirming care. I’m horrible at calling, but I felt so happy afterwards. I wonder since when did this blossom in me, but I’m not surprised in the slightest.

My appointment is on September 29th, I can’t wait to update my progress for everyone!!

But yes! I can’t be sad about an academic underperformance anymore. 3.8 is still amazing, and the stuff I managed to achieve was more than I could have imagined. I mean I’m not just a nerd, I am a leader, an achiever, and a motivated girl.

“Pero mi corazón nunca ha sido mío
Yo siempre lo doy
Coge un trozo de mí
Quédatelo pa’ cuando no esté
Seré tu reliquia
Soy tu reliquia.”

(“But my heart has never been mine
I always give it away
Take a piece of me
Keep it for when I’m gone
I will be your relic
I am your relic.”)

– Rosalía, Reliquia. 2025